Ask Evie: I'm Not Over My Ex And I Need Some Advice Besides “Time Will Heal My Wound”

READER’S QUESTION: “I’m not over my ex. I know this is very cliche, but I really need some advice other than time will heal my wound. Long story short, he broke up with me. We have never initiated any form of contact since the breakup, and I intend to keep it that way. We met IRL and never got connected on any form of social media. I also deleted his phone number and our conversation history forever soon after the breakup. I avoid the part of town where he lives. We have some mutual friends, and that’s about it.

I listened to the audiobook ‘How to Fix a Broken Heart’ by Guy Winch. It’s also recommended by you. I signed up for online dating. I never set any criteria that fits my ex’s description. I’m seeing someone I met on this app now. I also have a demanding career. However, at the end of the day, my thoughts of him just resurface. I have never cyberstalked him or talked about it with any of our mutual friends. 

I used to be very close to my mom, but she just brushed the breakup off. I recently stated that I won’t be going to a get together held by our mutual friends, and my mom immediately thought that I had political disagreements with them. She went on and on about why I should go. The truth is, it’s been almost 4 months since our breakup, and I just cannot bear to see him. I have tried 3 sessions of therapy, and it did not help. I live in a part of the world where unvaccinated people still have a lot of trouble with the health care system. And frankly, I don’t have the budget to shop around for therapists. I just want to hear it from someone who has been through this before."

EVIE’S ADVICE: First and foremost, it’s only been four months since you and your ex broke up, which is a relatively short amount of time to be “over” him. Although you may assume it’s a good idea to begin dating again to help distract yourself in order to move on, we’d recommend taking time to yourself to do some self-reflection. A breakup is a loss, especially when the other person breaks up with you and you may feel like you didn’t have any agency in the situation. Understanding grief and allowing yourself to experience your grief as you need to are essential for healing. Your timeline and your grief process will be unique to you. Yes, there are the phases of grief that everyone talks about, but healing is not linear and you can return to any phase at any time.

When you’re in a relationship, your brain learns that your boyfriend is important and prioritizes him in your attention and emotions. He becomes a kind of focal point around which you orient yourself. After a breakup, your brain doesn’t have that focal point anymore, which can cause you to feel lost or unanchored. Your brain is also a prediction “machine” – it’s part of how it functions to keep you safe and alive – but it also makes breakups worse, because your brain is still expecting him to call or expecting to see him. We highly recommend listening to this podcast by Dr. Andrew Huberman on the workings of grief which has more detailed explanations and science-backed tips on moving through grief. We also recommend you check out this article which explains how heartbreak is a complex psychological injury.

Understanding grief and allowing yourself to experience your grief as you need to are essential for healing.

Grieving a loss is a painful and tricky situation – you must allow yourself the space to grieve, but you also can’t let it consume you. It’s a time of learning what you need at that moment and being honest with yourself. If all you really need is a good cry, then allow yourself that. If what you really need is to hang out with friends and engage with life, then make that happen. What you need could change from day to day, or even hour to hour. If your mom is not an option as a confidante, do you have other friends who you trust you can confide in? In particular, a friend who has also experienced a loss, whether a breakup or some other kind, will be better able to empathize with you and offer you encouragement or just listen and help you feel understood.

Lastly, it’s totally normal to not want to see your ex – ever. Some people can move past the breakup with time and feel comfortable being in their ex’s presence, but those situations are few and far between. Generally, those rare circumstances where people can genuinely remain friends after breaking up are due to them feeling completely and honestly no romantic love for each other. It’s okay if you never get to that point – and it’s certainly understandable if you’re not there yet. You shouldn’t feel pressured to spend time with your ex if it makes you upset or uncomfortable. Avoiding certain occasions when your ex will be present, even if it means missing out on time with mutual friends, is best for your healing process. And it’s actually a great thing that you aren’t connected on social media and that you don’t feel the need to keep tabs on him online because that would only draw out your heartbreak further and make things more confusing on how you should move forward (Do you delete him? Block him? etc.). 

We’ll leave you with a note of encouragement: You’re clearly very self-aware and ready to take the appropriate steps you need in order to move forward. Rather than wallowing in self-pity, you’re seeking out help, advice, and encouragement. Although it may feel like you’ll never get over your ex, this season of your life will eventually pass, and you’ll be so much stronger on the other side and ready to welcome the right relationship.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.