Relationships

Ask Evie: I’m A Virgin But My Boyfriend Is Not And Thinking About Him And His Ex Together Makes Me Ill. How Do I Overcome My Jealousy?

Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!

By Evie2 min read
shutterstock 1842624013
Darya Chacheva/Shutterstock

READER’S QUESTION: “My boyfriend and I are waiting till marriage, and we love each other very much. One thing, though, is I'm a virgin, and he is not. He's been with one girl, though he says it was very superficial and didn't mean anything to him.

Even though I know I'm his first love and he loves me very much, for some reason, I still struggle with occasional thoughts about what he's done with his ex, and it makes me feel physically sick. I think this is mostly due to how I haven't gotten to share that level of intimacy with him yet. It hurts to know some other girl has had that part of him, and I haven't. I love him so much and deeply yearn for that with him, though I do want to wait till we're married and he does too. We're both Christians and share that personal conviction.

But until we get married, what do I do? Any advice for how I overcome these feelings of jealousy or stop those ’thoughts’ from happening? I definitely don't want any of these feelings to hurt our relationship.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: Your feelings are completely natural for your situation! One or both partners having sex with other people prior to their current relationship will naturally lead to feelings of insecurity, comparison, and jealousy. But, even though your feelings are natural, how do you cope with them?

It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend is telling you the truth when he says that sex with his ex was “very superficial” and “didn’t mean anything to him.” Guys are capable of having superficial sex, which is often driven by lust and a lack of self-control. But what do you do about it? The bottom line is that you will need to forgive your boyfriend for his past. He didn’t sleep with his ex to intentionally hurt you, and although you are still impacted by the consequences of his past choice, it’s not worth ruining your relationship over. What is done in the past cannot be undone, so however regretful he may be, he can’t change his actions. He is with you, not her, for a reason so keep that in mind as well. The two choices you have here are to break things off and move on, or to forgive him. It’s not fair to him to have to apologize time and time again if your feelings of jealousy keep resurfacing and potentially cause arguments. If he has grown in maturity and his understanding of how special sex is, you can focus on that to help you forgive him.

Moving forward, focus on how you both now value sex as something special and sacred to only share with your spouse. When you do have sex after your wedding it will be as husband and wife, and each time you have sex it will be a sign of your love, commitment, and gift of selves to each other – a deeply meaningful experience (and a very different one from empty sex with an ex-girlfriend).

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.