Ask Evie: I Think I Met My Future Husband, But He’s Not Financially Savvy. Should That Be A Dealbreaker?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie! (For context, I am a 24-year-old female, and the man in question is 28.) I met a man I’m compatible with (politics, family goals, religion, hobbies/interests, physical attraction), but he did not have financial literacy or a traditional nuclear family modeled for him like I did. (I have self-employed parents who have been married 25 years).

The man I’m seeing (only a few dates in) is very much in his “self-improvement era.” He said he is trying to become a high value man to be worthy of a high value woman like me. Before meeting me, he had already cut out alcohol, started working out religiously, removed porn from his Instagram feed, and sought out the advice of respectable men in podcasts.

I don’t want to hold it against him that he did not have the same parental guidance to set him up for success like I did. He was already making strides to become a better man before meeting me, and it’s obvious I’ve inspired him to stay on that path. I know it is female nature to want a man who has already built a nest for you, so to speak. So I was concerned to find he was still renting and didn’t have savings. But I also believe in building WITH someone who inspires and supports your growth.

I can say with the utmost confidence that he is a man who walks the walk. He tells me all the things he has learned from podcasts and IG accounts I’ve recommended, and we discuss our takeaways. He is very open about his past and how he wants a lifelong marriage, kids, and financial freedom someday.

I suppose my ultimate question is: Should I focus more on his eagerness to learn and improve over his current status in life? I would not be where I am without the guidance of two very loving and involved parents, which I understand is a privilege that others may not have. I want to show grace, but also uphold the standard I set for a partner.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Any man you marry will come from a different family background, with a different family culture, and will have different perspectives on health, money, traditions, and even pets. The point of dating is not to find someone who is exactly like you, but someone who you can love and work with in building a new life together, one that blends both of your experiences and perspectives into something new that is satisfying to both of you. There will always be compromise and growth asked of both partners – even 10, 20, 30 years in.

What matters is if both people are sufficiently aligned in the essentials (which it sounds like you think you are), if you love each other (which it sounds like there’s potential for that), and if both of you have the attitude that you’re willing to improve yourselves and grow together for the rest of your life.

You’re concerned about his financial literacy – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing to be concerned about. But his financial ignorance is certainly not uncommon. Many, if not most, young adults, have not been taught about debt, savings, or budgeting, and are having to learn the hard way. Is he in debt from student loans? Sometimes, people have savings but are still tens of thousands in debt from school, which isn’t necessarily better. Additionally, in certain cases, renting can actually be smarter, depending on the market. Being a renter really isn’t a red flag, in our opinion. If he were living at home with his parents, jobless, or crashing in a bachelor-style frat pad, then yes, your concerns would be perfectly valid, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. 

As long as the two of you can “fill in the gaps” of each other, and agree to work together to improve your personal and relational weaknesses, it will all work out.

A man who’s inspired to do good is better than a man who’s financially stable but lazy and doesn’t care about growing in virtue (cutting out porn, working out, etc.). The fact that he is working hard in many areas of his life to improve and grow is a huge green flag. The internet has convinced women that they need to meet a man who is wealthy, attractive, and has every area of his life in order, and while it’s nice to have standards, it can be easy to forget that we are all humans with flaws. Are you at your absolute peak in life? Is there no room for growth in you at 24 years old? 

You might bring financial literacy to the relationship, and that’s fine. Many couples have one person who is the money manager (man or woman) and one who is the “free spirit” who hates thinking or talking about money but is mature enough to cooperate with the money manager. Continue to send him podcasts that can guide him in the right direction while acknowledging that, while you grew up with great examples, you likely have progress to make as well and can benefit from learning alongside him in this journey. No one is perfect, and it’s important that we acknowledge this in a relationship so one of you isn’t put on a pedestal while the other is made to feel less than. 

To flip the tables, you might have a blind spot that this man thinks is significant – but the good news is, it’s probably an area that he feels confident and knowledgeable in. As long as the two of you can “fill in the gaps” of each other, and agree to work together to improve your personal and relational weaknesses, it will all work out. A man who’s striving to make the most out of his twenties will be set up for success in his thirties. If you truly believe that he is your future husband, be the woman who stands by his side, growing along with him, rather than the one who wants him only when he’s “perfect” by society's standards. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.