Ask Evie: I Found The Engagement Ring My Boyfriend Was Hiding And I Hate It. What Do I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, This is probably going to make me sound like a spoiled and ungrateful brat, but here we go. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years and have been talking about getting engaged soon. We were waiting until we both had graduated from college first which recently happened, so I've been a little impatient since then. We went ring shopping together around 2 months ago and tried on different cuts and styles and he got my ring size and an idea of what I wanted. However, I recently went snooping through his things while he was at work because I was trying to find out if he bought a ring yet and if I should expect a proposal sometime soon (ideally by the summer or during our upcoming vacation together.) Well, I found it... and I'm not happy. It is nothing like I had wanted, the diamond is so tiny and it just looks cheap. How am I going to say yes when he pulls this out during a proposal knowing how much I despise the ring? Am I just being totally unreasonable? Should I say something now, should I wait? Should I say nothing at all even after I say yes to the proposal? Please help."

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is definitely a tricky situation, not only because you went snooping around his things and ruined your own surprise, but also because what you found isn’t at all what you had imagined and has the possibility of souring your engagement. It’s unfortunate that you went ring shopping with your boyfriend in the hopes of choosing a ring together that you would love and he didn’t follow through with what you liked, but there could be a few reasons behind his choice that are worth considering. First, you did mention that you both recently graduated from college, so it’s unlikely that your boyfriend has a large savings set aside currently to buy you a giant diamond ring like you may have been imagining. It would have been ideal for him to tell you his budget and reinforce that during your ring shopping appointment so that you were only trying on styles that fit that as to not set your hopes too high. However, he could have been embarrassed to bring it up, or wasn’t fully aware yet of how much he could realistically spend. 

Another thing to consider is that the ring you found is a family heirloom and was given to him by his mother or grandmother in the hopes that he would propose with that instead. Again, it’s unfortunate that he would let you get your hopes up in shopping for a ring style instead of telling you that there was a family ring he intended to propose with. However, this may have come about after the fact as well. Maybe he told his family that he went ring shopping with you and they were discussing prices and his mother or grandmother insisted that he pass down the family heirloom instead of going into debt or emptying his savings. In this case, you need to weigh your options and consider whether or not having your dream ring is worth the money spent or if you would be happy with inheriting a ring instead and putting any money unspent toward your wedding or a down payment on your first home. 

In any case, you have a few options here on how to move forward in the most graceful way possible. You can come clean to your boyfriend and apologize for going through his things and be honest about your feelings toward the ring. Ask him to explain his decision to go with this particular ring rather than immediately jumping to conclusions and getting angry with him. Maybe his explanation will be sufficient in making the ring more meaningful to you, or maybe you can ask him if he’d be open to going back to the jewelry store together to exchange it for a ring you’ll cherish more. Keep in mind that your boyfriend will likely be upset with you for sneaking through his stuff and ruining your surprise which is understandable. This is a huge moment that the both of you have been looking forward to for several years and you don’t know how elaborate his plan was to surprise you or when it was supposed to be (it could’ve been as soon as tomorrow.) He may even want to push it back further, depending on how disappointed he feels and about your trust being broken. 

If you don’t want to come clean to your boyfriend, your best bet is to suck it up and put on a happy face when he proposes with this ring. Don’t ruin the moment with your critiques. If the ring still doesn’t feel right a few days after the proposal, this is when you should bring it up. You can say something like, “I am so excited to marry you. The proposal you planned was so special and made me so happy. I’ll never forget that day. After a few days of wearing the ring though, I was wondering why you went with such a different style than what we had picked out together at the store?” Then, you can listen to his explanation for the ring choice and bring up the possibility of going to the store together to exchange it or discuss upgrading it on your first wedding anniversary if you want to save together for something you like more. Yes, it’s unfortunate that your proposal photos and social media announcement might have this other ring in it, but you can get some close-ups of the new one in your professional engagement photos or wedding photos down the line. There’s really no need to explain the switch to anyone online, either. Don’t make your boyfriend feel like a fool for choosing a ring you deemed "cheap" and keep the exchange between the two of you, avoiding making jokes at his expense to family and friends. No one wants to start off an engagement feeling embarrassed or chastised.  

The best case scenario, however, is that you find that after such a meaningful proposal, you realize that the ring is only that—a ring. You are marrying the love of your life, the man you’ve spent the last 6 years with, and that is so much more important than any diamond. Focus on what truly matters and you’ll grow to cherish this symbol of your love. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.