Ask Evie: How Do I Overcome My Shyness So I Can Actually Go On A Date?

READER’S QUESTION: "I am 24 years old, never once had a boyfriend, and barely went on one date with an old high school crush (it did not go well ), but I need advice. I want to be in a relationship, but I want to date to get married. I am not interested in the hookup culture. I tried talking to people, but I am always left on read or I feel they are just not interested in me, and by some people, it was only 2 guys. You see, I am a very shy person and don’t know where I can meet someone or talk to someone. I tried dating apps, but delete them right away because I am afraid and don’t really know how to use them. I need help, not sure what I could do or how to meet people."

EVIE’S ADVICE: As we’ve written before, dating is not marriage; dating is how you discern whether a person is 1) marriageable and 2) right for you. Dating with the intention of marrying simply means you know that you want a certain relationship trajectory with a specific end goal – saying “I do” and vowing ‘til death do you part. You’re not dating to find a casual sex partner, and you’re not dating just to have someone to go to the movies with on Friday night for the foreseeable future. Dating to marry means you know what you want in a relationship and in a man; you know yourself and your values. It can help you weed out men who are not on the same page as you…but you actually have to get to know them to discover that! Meaning – you have to date them.

If dating to marry is making you stress out or drop a guy before you’ve even given him a chance, then you might be taking it a bit too seriously. Your first date should be fun and more about seeing if there’s any chemistry there. After all, if you spend one evening with him and find out he’s boring or your sense of humor doesn’t match up, then it won’t matter what his values are. So the first step is to go on a date and give the guy a chance. Later down the line, if you two have gone on a couple of dates and really like each other, then find out his values before making it official.

Another proactive idea to meet guys is to utilize your connections. Do you have a friend who’s in a relationship and who has a friend who is single? Go on a double date, and do something fun like go-carts or mini golf or laser tag. Do an activity that takes the focus and pressure off being on a one-on-one date.

Shy women often withdraw from their surroundings to protect themselves, but this makes you appear unapproachable. 

However, your situation actually sounds more like a self-confidence issue than a dating issue. Shy women often withdraw from their surroundings to protect themselves, but this act of withdrawing makes you appear closed off and unapproachable. The average human is going to respect that message and leave you alone. So the goal, really, should be to become confident enough to project the message that you are approachable. Learn to make eye contact and smile and say hi, even to complete strangers. Learn how to make small talk. Learn to walk and stand as if you’re busting at the seams with self-esteem; be upright and open. Learn the right questions to ask in conversation to draw the other person out and make them feel special and noticed. 

Start small – say hi to the cashier and compliment her on something you genuinely admire: her manicure, her hair, her eye color, etc. When you see how the other person lights up when you say something nice about them, it makes the encounter much less scary. If even the thought of making small talk with the grocery store cashier freaks you out, then you might want to consider signing up for a self-defense class or martial arts. As you gain the physical skills and experience to physically protect yourself, you will also gain the confidence and resilience to engage with the world with less fear – even if that's just texting a guy through a dating app. As you grow in self-confidence and practice focusing on making other people feel noticed, you will become more approachable and even magnetic, drawing attention from guys who will want to get to know you better.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.