Ask Evie: How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend’s Crazy Ex?

Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!

By Evie2 min read
Pexels/Vlada Karpovich

READER’S QUESTION: "My boyfriend’s ex is still obsessed with him. On our second date, she called him over and over again, and that night, he told her not to contact him again. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for months now. After she found out who I was, she started dressing like me, copying my aesthetic on Instagram, and going to the same places I've been, including where my boyfriend and I had our first date, claiming it's her favorite spot.

A couple of months ago, she followed me on Instagram, then started messaging me, simple things like compliments, trying to be my friend. But I ignored her. Eventually, she unfollowed me, and started claiming on her Instagram that I was the other woman, and that my boyfriend cheated on her with me. (There was no overlap in our relationship, and I would never date a taken man.) My boyfriend’s family has told me lots of stories about her awful behavior while they were dating. She apparently hates his family, and they're not very fond of her either. 

Now, she's starting to make more claims about us. I'm just concerned this situation will force us to take legal action, since her recent claims are becoming more absurd. We both know that she's trying to get attention, and now she's mad that we're not giving it to her. We both hope that she can someday get some help and move on. How do I deal with my boyfriend’s crazy ex?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is a very frustrating situation to be in! You can’t control your boyfriend’s crazy ex’s behavior, but there are a few things you can do to set some boundaries. Both you and your boyfriend should block her on all social media platforms and block her phone number. As you have correctly assessed, she is going all out for attention, so do not give it to her under any circumstance. Do not engage at all, not even to tell her to stop. If you give her any sort of an opening, she will most likely try her hardest to exploit it and manipulate it to make you look bad. It’s a little like interacting with a toddler who is throwing a temper tantrum – sometimes the best reaction is no reaction, to just ignore it. Negotiating often only leads to dropping boundaries that need to be upheld.

Sometimes, people genuinely want to be in conflict with others, and you and your boyfriend might just be her current target.

She will only be able to keep up this one-sided narrative for so long if you ignore it. Additionally, if she is only engaging with herself, she will eventually grow bored and move on to some other drama in her life. Sometimes, people genuinely want to be in conflict with others, and you and your boyfriend might just be her current target. Those around her likely can see through her stories and suspect that she is bitter from the breakup and lying to make you both look bad. This sounds like a character thing more than a unique situation, and most likely, this isn’t the first (or the last) time she will behave like this during a breakup.

The classiest thing you can do is to stay silent and not stoop down to her level, as it will not serve you whatsoever. Ultimately, she is only making herself look bad. Remove yourself from the situation entirely – even tell your friends and family not to engage with her or to play telephone to you about what she is saying. Once you both block her, she should be out of sight, out of mind, and you can move on and focus on your relationship. 

However, if she is threatening you, harassing you, stalking you, or showing up at your home/workplace once you both block her and stop engaging, then this becomes an entirely different situation. If you genuinely feel that you or your boyfriend are in danger, seek legal recourse immediately, like a restraining order.

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