Ask Evie: How Do I Balance Holiday Gatherings With My Family And My Boyfriend's Family?

READER’S QUESTION: “How do I balance time at holiday gatherings and family events with my family and my boyfriend’s family? We’ve been dating two years now, and there are constant family dinners and obligations from both of our families, whom we’re both very close to. Anytime something comes up, I feel like I have to let one side down with my choice. Having dinner or holiday get-togethers at his family’s means letting down my family, and vice versa. Any tips??"

EVIE’S ADVICE: We’re going to assume that since you’ve been dating your boyfriend for two years that you’re hoping and intending to be together a lot longer. So there’s no time like the present to get the holiday schedule sorted out. Depending on distances and your level of people-energy, here are a few scenarios to get you started: 

1. If your family and your boyfriend’s family live far away from each other (like in different states or more than a few hours' car ride away), then come up with a visiting schedule that works for you and your boyfriend and communicate that to both families. For example, you could spend Thanksgiving with your family this year and Christmas with his. Then next year, you switch and spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with yours. If you decide to go this route, try to squeeze in a FaceTime call at some point throughout the day with the family you’re not with physically so you can wish them a happy holiday and remind them that you’re still thinking about them. This plan is manageable, predictable, and fair.

2. If your family and your boyfriend’s live close enough that you could see both families for every holiday, then come up with a schedule that will become your tradition. For example, you will always spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas morning with your family. Both families might need to compromise a little, but if it’s important to them to see you for that holiday, they should be willing to be flexible.

3. Another option, if the two families live really close, like in the same town, is to visit both in the same day – yes, eat two Thanksgiving dinners! Some couples can make this work, while for others the idea of going to two holiday parties in one day might make them want to puke, so you and your boyfriend will need to decide what works best for you first, and then communicate that to your families. Keep in mind that this option could become overwhelming or exhausting. The reality is your parents and his parents will most likely be happy to see you whenever you can come, even if that means you have brunch with one of your families and dinner with the other! 

The main things to keep in mind when coming up with your holiday schedule is to do what’s manageable for you and your boyfriend, to keep it as fair as possible, and to communicate that plan to both of your families, while reminding them that you love them and want to spend what time you reasonably can with them. Some families may take this change of pace better than others, and even if they’re initially annoyed, ultimately they will come to understand that it’s what is realistic for you and your boyfriend. Both of your parents likely had the same dilemma when they began spending holidays together and had to make compromises as well, so it shouldn’t be a foreign concept to them.

No matter how they take the news, it’s better to get this figured out and established now before any wedding bells or babies come along, because once grandkids are in the picture, your parents and his are going to want to spend the holidays together even more.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.