5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays When You're TTC, From an Infertility Coach

Infertility is the hardest thing that ever happened to me. The inability to conceive when I wanted to raised so many frustrating and painful questions about my body, my identity, my womanhood, my Catholic faith, and my purpose. Every cycle was an excruciating roller coaster of hope and disappointment, but the holiday season brought an additional layer of stress. If you also find yourself in a season of struggling to conceive a deeply longed-for baby, this likely sounds familiar: Squeezing in as many tests and treatments as possible before your insurance deductible resets January 1. Feeling bombarded by advertisements for kid-focused holiday events. Receiving Christmas cards with the adorable little faces of your friends’ kids. Family members or even slight acquaintances asking about your plans for having a baby at holiday gatherings. Worrying about sticking to your fertility diet with all the parties on your calendar. Dreading going to church on Christmas morning because even the celebration of the birth of Jesus can be painful, as pregnancy, birth, and a baby are all something we don’t have. When we feel excluded from the activities and joys of Thanksgiving and Christmas, the holiday cheer quickly fizzles out. But we can reclaim a sense of celebration this holiday season. It just takes a little intentional work. As an infertility coach, I took what I have lived and learned the hard way and now mentor other women on the path of infertility , helping them find hope, healing, and meaning in the life they never thought they would have. Here are five things you can do to help you survive the holidays and even enjoy them again: 1. Reaffirm Your Identity and Value Are More Than Childbearing One of the worst, most painful parts of the infertility experience is feeling like less than a real woman because we can’t do the one thing our female bodies were specially designed to do. We allow ourselves to listen to the lies of worthlessness and shame that arise. We begin to doubt our identity and intrinsic dignity, and we start to question our value in our marriage. But these are lies, cognitive distortions rooted in our pain, and they need to be challenged and confronted with the truth. As a Catholic, I believe the truth is I am more than my reproductive organs. I am a woman fully alive, mind, body, and soul, expressing my femininity and using my gifts to serve God and others. I am a beloved daughter of God, created and sustained in being because he loves me. And I believe that he is bringing good out of my story, leading me to bear fruit in other ways and in other lives beyond what I could have ever imagined. Infertility is just one part of me and my story. Furthermore, my husband didn’t fall in love with me and marry me, vowing for better or for worse, simply because he took one look at my hips and thought they were good for childbearing and that was it. He fell in love with me for all of me. I am not just my inability to conceive a child. Infertility is just one part of me and my story. A painful part, but only one part. So when the lies of infertility are whispering in your heart, I encourage you to challenge them with the truth. Refuse to let infertility reduce you to less than what you truly are: a beautiful, unique woman loved by God who has so many gifts to share with the world. 2. Craft Your Script The holidays mean lots of socializing, often with people we have never met or who we don’t know very well. Unfortunately, this creates the ideal environment for the worst small talk question of all time: “Do you have kids?” Most people think “Do you have kids?” is a safe question, the conversational equivalent of chatting about the weather. Those of us who don’t have children but desperately want them know this is anything but a safe question. Apart from the pain this question causes, I think it’s a boring question. It doesn’t actually tell you very much about the individual you are talking to. In my opinion, “What’s one thing that brings you joy right now?” or “Are you reading or listening to anything right now?” are more interesting and more insightful. But anyway, I will step down from my soapbox now. For those of us on the receiving end of “Do you have kids?” or any of its versions, this is a painful and awkward question. I encourage you to craft a scripted response that contains the level of information you are comfortable sharing. For example, my script for years was: “No, we’re not able to have kids, unfortunately, but we have fostered and we hope to adopt in the future.” One hundred percent of the time, the other person latched onto either fostering or adoption as the next topic, and the conversation moved forward. Another version might be: “No, we don’t yet, but we would love to. For now, we keep busy with XYZ.” I guarantee you the other person will ask a follow-up question about XYZ. 3. Prepare for Pregnancy Announcements They say offense is the best defense. For me, this means preparing my heart to potentially hear that a sister-in-law is pregnant while sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table or opening presents on Christmas morning. It’s much easier for me to congratulate her and keep my composure when I am expecting to hear her news. I know from experience that after the announcement, my family will shortly move on from the topic, and that I can go home later and grieve. Think through your upcoming holiday gatherings and who will be there. Who in your family or circle of friends might be pregnant? Consider the possibility that they might make a surprise announcement when you’re all together, and prepare your heart. Remember, it’s completely normal to feel mixed emotions, to feel happy for her but devastated for yourself. I know the dread of hearing a pregnancy announcement can put a damper on the holiday spirit, but we can’t control other people’s level of sensitivity about our struggle to conceive. Let’s focus on what we can control, our own words and actions, and strive to forgive any hurt and let go of what’s outside our control. 4. Bring Your Own Food and Drink Thanksgiving dinner and holiday parties can be a source of stress when we're striving to eat a specific diet. Fertility diets often come with a lot of emotional pressure: We tell ourselves that if we don’t follow them perfectly, that’s the reason we're not getting pregnant. While that’s unlikely to be true, there are ways we can make eating at parties more aligned with our goals and give us some peace of mind so we can have a healthy relationship with food and be able to enjoy the good things of life. Offer to bring a couple of side dishes or desserts that fit your dietary needs. This way you know you'll be able to eat something you like. Thanksgiving itself is typically a fertility-friendly meal. It’s protein-forward with lots of vegetable-based side dishes. And if you choose to pass on a particular side, no one really cares because there is so much to fit on your plate. When it comes to alcohol, people tend to be more intrusive about why you're not drinking. One way to avoid comments or questions is to bring a drink that looks like alcohol and put it in the same type of cup the other adults are using. Most people can’t tell the difference between grape juice and wine, a fizzy water in a koozie and a beer, sparkling cider and champagne. If someone does catch on and inquires, you can respond without bringing fertility into it. A couple of responses are: “I saw these canned mocktails at the store and thought they sounded good. They’re tasty! Want to try one?” “Alcohol makes me feel so dehydrated, so I’m trying something different tonight.” 5. Celebrate Your Family as It Is with Fun Traditions So many of the Christmas activities and photo opportunities are kid-focused that it can be tempting to spend the season feeling sad about missing out. But there are also so many fun seasonal activities you and your husband can enjoy. You and your husband are already a family, and it is worth establishing your own traditions now. My husband and I go see the Christmas display at the city arboretum every year. We also like making mulled cider and driving around looking at the Christmas lights, while listening to our favorite Christmas albums. Give yourself permission to jump in and relish the Christmas festivities . Savor a peppermint mocha or mulled wine. Attend a Christmas concert or The Nutcracker ballet. Decorate your home and send Christmas cards (your family and friends want to hear from you, and it’s always nice to receive real mail). Bake sugar cookies. Make a gingerbread house. Watch your favorite Christmas movies. Host a party. Go caroling. Do an act of generosity for those less fortunate. Don’t wait to reach the next chapter of life to delight in the Christmas season. You and your husband are already a family. Infertility takes so much from us: our identity, our finances, our relationship with our body, our sex life. We don’t have to let it ruin the joy and the beauty of the holiday season too. Reclaim this piece of your life with some intentionality. If you want more tips on finding hope on the path of infertility, preorder my book Navigating Infertility: The Catholic Woman’s Guide to Hope and Healing today on Amazon .