Do you feel uneasy and nervous about your significant other? Do you overthink every text and every date? Why is it that when your feelings get stronger, your sense of security in the relationship grows weaker?
Sometimes our insecurities can get the best of us, especially in a relationship. The moment we realize we’ve developed feelings for someone we either move forward in faith or in fear. When we operate by faith, we approach relationships with sincerity and honesty. When we let fear drive our behavior we can act in ways that are phony, obsessive, controlling, disinterested, or worse.
We all have insecurities, whether they’re rational or irrational, but we can’t let them control us. If you feel like your insecurities are getting the better of you, or if feeling insecure in your relationships has become a pattern, consider the following questions:
What Do You Bring to a Relationship?
Let’s face it, we can be pretty hard on ourselves. It can feel more natural to focus on what we're lacking rather than embrace our gifts. But no one can single-handedly fulfill all of your needs, neither can you do that for them. So don’t set yourself up for disappointment with unrealistic expectations. Don’t discredit what you do contribute to a relationship just because you think you have to be someone’s perfect match.
No one can single-handedly fulfill all your needs, neither can you do that for them.
Imagine how you feel with your best friend; it’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s as though you balance each other out. Hopefully, you feel confident in what you bring to that relationship. Even though your best friend knows your flaws and weaknesses, they place more value on your positive traits. A romantic relationship should mimic that connection. When you feel overwhelmed by what you don’t like about yourself, pick up the phone and call your best friend. Chances are, she’ll bring you back to earth and remind you that you have plenty of qualities worth valuing.
Where Does Your Self-Esteem Come From?
We should have a healthy balance between external and internal validation. We need both. But if your self-esteem relies solely on validation from your partner or other men, then it will be impossible to overcome your insecurities.
When you feel insecure about something, what’s preventing you from re-assuring yourself? Self-loathing can sneak up on us. Don’t forget that we all experience rejection, failure, and hurt, and we all have things we just don’t like about ourselves. Simply acknowledging that you’re not alone can be validating.
Confidence is an inside job; you need to have peace with who you are.
Expecting a partner to constantly reassure you is a relationship doomed to fail. That would become exhausting for anyone. While we need external validation on some level, it can’t be our only source. Confidence is an inside job; you need to have peace with who you are. Insecurities surface when we pretend to be someone we’re not. They surface when we’re ashamed of our mistakes, our defeats, and our weaknesses. They surface when we operate out of fear.
Rejection is a part of life, but we must continue to put ourselves out there. Don’t do things seeking validation from anyone (a.k.a. posting a picture on Instagram just so he’ll see it). Focus on being yourself. Be authentic — it’s really the only way to attract compatible people into your life organically.
Are You Able To Openly Communicate?
Of course, you’ll feel insecure if you can’t openly communicate with your partner. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about more than surface-level topics or if talking always leads to a fight, there’s something wrong.
When you like a guy, tell him. When you feel hurt, say so. When you are feeling insecure, let him know what you’re worried about. So often we’re afraid to talk about how we’re feeling, but it’s usually the only thing that will help.
So often we’re afraid to talk about how we’re feeling, but it’s usually the only thing that will help.
Having open communication doesn’t mean you have to be an open book. Sometimes our insecurities can actually cause us to blur the lines on what’s appropriate when communicating. Your words, tone, and timing matter.
How Much Time Do You Spend with Your Friends, Your Hobbies, and Your Goals?
Maintaining your independence is a vital ingredient for confidence. When you feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship, take more time for your friends, your hobbies, and your goals. It’s healthy for your relationship that you and your partner have some things that are just your own.
It’s healthy for your relationship that you and your partner have some things that are just your own.
Insecurities are sure to creep up if you’ve let everything that mattered to you before you met someone fall to the wayside. Having friends, talents, aspirations, and things that make you you are attractive qualities and are what people fall in love with. When you’re feeling insecure, bring your focus back to these things.
Do You Trust Yourself?
Ultimately, we have to believe with certainty that no matter what happens, we can take care of our own needs and that we’re responsible for our own happiness. We have to be able to trust ourselves. The relationships you choose are a reflection of the confidence you have in yourself. Have faith in yourself and your gut.
The relationships you choose are a reflection of the confidence you have in yourself.
Usually, we feel insecure when our gut is trying to tell us something; it could serve as a warning that this relationship isn’t right for you. A healthy relationship is mutually beneficial; if you feel that without the other person you wouldn’t be ok, you need to take appropriate steps to regain that self-assurance.
We all have insecurities, but we can’t let them control us. Instead, have faith in what you bring to a relationship, let your self-esteem come from within, have the courage for open communication, keep space for the things that are important to you, and trust that you are in control of your own happiness. Insecurities are just one part of us, and they only have the power we give them.