During the 2010s, “he’s just not that into you” became a viral meme across social media. And the release of the film itself shed a much-needed light on the many intricacies involved in men’s attitudes towards women and commitment.
Many relationship blogs subsequently sprang up during that time period, pushing forth the idea that if a man isn’t fully invested and ready to get on with commitment in some form or another, then “he’s just not that into you.”
It would be beneficial for today’s women to revisit this statement and take it to heart in the modern dating marketplace. In today’s ever more challenging dating world, women have difficulty spotting the warning signs that a man isn’t feeling that specific vibe and attraction that can lead to commitment, and they should cut their losses and move on to more promising dating prospects.
As a dating/relationship coach, I see my fair share of bogus situationship-type scams in which the woman is blinded by love for a man who’s putting in negligible effort, e.g. he doesn’t pay for dates, doesn’t text, call, or show up with any real consistency, etc.
Furthermore, it doesn’t help that women today believe that just because a man will have sex with them that they must also be worthy of his commitment.
For the most part, men don’t think of sex as anything other than sex. Men can completely compartmentalize love and sex among the various women they date: “Some men compartmentalize relationships. They have someone for dating, someone for sex, and someone else for the kind of love that leads to marriage.”
Women must fully understand that relationships and commitment for men are a whole other matter entirely, and men tend to become very picky and selective about where they choose to allot their time and resources in garnering commitment from women where it suits them.
So what are the signs he’s just not into you? Let’s find out.
Low Effort and Low Investment Mean He’s Just Not That Into You
Despite what many women believe, men really do enjoy making plans for the right girl. They’ll call, text, initiate dates/meetups, show up on time, and have an itinerary. When men like a woman, they strategically map out their approach in the relationship and they enjoy spending their time pondering how to woo a woman and “sweep her off her feet.”
It’s also true that a higher quality man may be much more reserved in displaying his enthusiasm towards commitment in the initial stages of a budding relationship. He’s going to want to see how the connection flows, what kind of woman she is, and gauge their level of compatibility. He’s also going to assess where his desires and motivations to win her over may make the most sense to him.
Men enjoy making plans for the right girl. If he likes you, he will show it through his actions.
Bottom line, however, is if a man likes you, he will show it through his actions. There will be no feat or challenge too big or too small where he won’t step up and make it known to you that he fancies you on some level.
That means not wasting your time (or his). He’s readily taking the initiative to be on his best behavior, and he’s demonstrating that you’re valuable to him in making the appropriate effort where it will secure him a chance in possibly committing.
If he’s not calling, making plans, giving you his attention, and he’s not showing up with any consistency, then he’s just not that into you. His actions never lie – and men make a very conscious effort toward commitment for women they like and care about.
He’s Just Not That Into You If You Don’t Stoke His Provider/Protector Instinct
When men are with a woman they adore, his provider/protector instinct kicks in and is on full display.
He’ll be delighted and honored to pay for dates. He will feel that it’s his duty to treat you well in providing for you, e.g. he won’t demand 50/50 and he won’t try to make you feel uncomfortable by splitting hairs in making a big deal out of who should pay or why.
Furthermore, men are very protective of women they like. If a man likes you, he will show it in deeming you a member of his “tribe”: “The male brain is wired to protect his ‘tribe’ from threats, even in our modern day world. If you are a strong, independent woman, you may want to reject a man’s need to protect, knowing you can handle anything on your own. However, it is important to know that when a man protects, it never means that he thinks you’re incapable or weak. It means that he is responding to his most basic biological instincts, and that he sees you as something valuable and worth protecting.”
If a man isn’t protective, then he doesn’t deem you valuable and worthy of his protection.
Women must understand that if a man isn’t protective, he doesn’t deem you valuable and worthy of his protection. Therefore, he’s just not into you at all.
The protector and provider instinct is reserved for women whom men love, cherish, and care for deeply. A telling sign a man isn’t into you is if he has no concern in wanting to provide for you or protecting your personal interests as a woman as they relate to his own interests.
He’s Made It Abundantly Clear He’s Not Looking for Anything Serious
When a man tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, he’s telling you the truth about his intentions and his feelings for you.
This isn’t a “challenge” for you to work harder to win his approval and validation. It isn’t a negotiating tactic for you to jump through a series of humiliating and embarrassing hoops that inevitably lead to “where is this going” situationships. He’s already told you under no uncertain terms he’s not interested in pursuing commitment…with you.
Thought Catalog conducted an opinion survey among 15 men on precisely what it means when men say they don’t want commitment:
“It’s pretty simple. He’s not that into you. I’ve never understood why girls try to analyze something so clear. If he liked you enough, he’d want to be with you. He wouldn’t put up stipulations.”
“I like you enough to occasionally get drunk and naked together. But I’m not telling my mom about you.”
If a man tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, then he’s not interested in committing to you.
“How is this up for debate? You say that to someone you like screwing, but that’s about it.”
“He doesn’t want a future with you. Do yourself a favor and move on. It’ll end up as this never-ending cycle of wanting more, and him not willing to give more.”
“You’re his ‘right now’ girl. Don’t be fooled into thinking something more will blossom. Men are impulsive. They act on what they want. If he wanted you, I mean fully wanted you, he wouldn’t be putting the brakes on. He’d just want you. All the way.”
It’s disheartening that many women in the modern dating marketplace spend inordinate amounts of time and effort dancing around the fact that men, through their words, actions and behavior, or absence thereof, plainly convey their feelings about commitment. They very often treat these women as substandard and with very little care or concern, and women are quick to rationalize themselves out of seeing and accepting the truth.
He’s just not that into you. Don’t rush to misinterpret it as a poor reflection on yourself and who you are as a person, but instead chalk it up to misaligned values and issues of incompatibility.
If he’s just not that into you, it’s simple enough for you as a woman to find another man out there who is. Heed the warning signs, cut your losses, and move on. There’s no shortage of other men out there who will be happy to step up and commit.
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