10 Things I Wish I Could Go Back And Tell My Single Self

Either we’ve been there, or we know someone who’s been there — wishing away our singleness, jealous of anyone who doesn’t have to spend yet another birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day unhappily single, and desperate to find the right guy. We genuinely wonder if we’ll ever find love, or if we’re destined to be alone for eternity. But then, it happens. We find our someone, we fall in love, we get married. And somewhere along the way, we start to almost feel nostalgic for our single self. We couldn’t be happier to be with our guy, but there’s a part of us that wishes we would’ve done singleness better. We wish we would’ve just enjoyed our time, not worried so much, and found peace in that ultimately temporary season. We wish we could go back in time and tell our single self a few important things. You’re Not Weird for Being Single When we see what feels like the rest of the world in a relationship, we’ll naturally begin to wonder what’s wrong with us — if we’re just weird, unattractive, or unlovable, if we’ll ever find someone who likes what they see and loves what they come to know. As much as we’ll immediately wonder if we’re “girlfriend material” when we’re single for long enough, the truth is, we aren’t weird for not having a boyfriend. We’re just in a particular season of life and haven’t met the right guy. There’s nothing weird about not having found our person just yet. Have Standards and Stick To Them We have to have standards when it comes to who we’ll date — and no, those standards can’t be is male and is interested in me . Instead of spending countless hours wondering what we can do to get a guy to take a second look, we should be thinking about what would make us do that. Think about what would be a non-negotiable — maybe it’s important that he has the same religious views, or maybe we really want someone who shares the same loves and aspirations, or maybe what we care about most is that he’s funny and sweet to us. Along with that, think about what would turn a guy from a potential boyfriend to a hard no — maybe he’s directionless, or maybe he wants to keep things non-committal but get all the boyfriend benefits, or maybe he’s incredibly rude to everyone but us. Have standards and stick to them — don’t just get involved with a guy because he shows interest. You Need a Best Friend (or Two) Before You Need a Boyfriend Sure, we all want that person we can cuddle up with and watch a scary movie, who will take us out on dates and hold our hand, who will tell us we’re pretty and make us feel loved, who we can call our boyfriend. But long before we need that kind of love from a significant other, we need to be searching for friends — friends who will be there for us on our ugliest days, who’ll come over at a moment’s notice for a girls night, who’ll be our kindred spirit. We shouldn’t only value receiving romantic love. Having a good friend or two will keep us from feeling desperate for a romantic relationship and make us feel loved in a unique yet significant and fulfilling way. Your Relationship Status Is Hardly Your Biggest Problem Not having a boyfriend can feel like our number one problem, and fixing that problem often becomes our first priority, especially when we’ve faced snide comments from our aunt about still being single. We have it in our mind that once we get the guy, all of life’s problems will melt away. But truthfully, having a boyfriend is hardly our biggest problem, and during our single years, we ought to be focusing on much bigger issues. What do we want to do with our life, and how do we make that happen? Do we have unresolved issues/trauma that we should be working through with a counselor? Have we put effort into the relationships we already have? There’s quite a bit to focus on before the fact that we don’t have a boyfriend yet. If You Have To Convince Him, Then He’s Not the One When we see being in a relationship as the ultimate sign of our worth as a human being, we’ll naturally do whatever we can to make it happen, to get a guy to stick around and affirm to ourselves that we are worthy of love. But here’s a hard lesson we’ll have to learn: If we have to convince him to like us , beg for a modicum of attention or affection, and lower or change our standards, then he’s not the one. We shouldn’t ever have to do backflips to get a guy who’s shown us minimal interest and effort. The right guy will be over the moon to be with us, won’t leave us guessing , and will want to shower us with genuine affection — and that’s worth the wait, promise. You Won’t Be Single Forever, So Invest This Time Wisely It really does feel like forever when we’re still waiting and searching and hoping for that guy to come along, and it’s easy to feel like life doesn’t really start until we’ve found him — like singleness is something to wait out and count down the days left. But we won’t be single forever. In fact, we’ll probably spend the majority of our life married. This means that our years of being single are actually fleeting, and it’s in our best interest to spend that time wisely by investing in ourselves, enjoying the freedom of looking after ourselves more than anyone else, spending time building and strengthening friendships that would otherwise fall by the wayside the moment we got a boyfriend, and creating a life we’re already happy to live. Of course we’ll be ecstatic when we find the right guy, but we should cultivate an attitude that’s glad to fully live out whatever season we’re currently in rather than wishing our time away. It’s Better To Be Single Than Be in the Wrong Relationship After being single for long enough, there might come a time when we’re so desperate to date that we’ll consider anyone — any guy who shows interest, texts us back, or is even remotely kind to us. We’re so hungry for a relationship that we’re willing to make one happen, however it presents itself, just so we don’t have to spend another holiday or birthday alone. But anyone who’s ever been in either a toxic, abusive, or simply mismatched relationship will know that it’s better to be alone than in the wrong relationship . Investing our precious time in a relationship that will ultimately end, either mutually or badly, will keep us from spending our single years wisely, leave us with more scars and regrets, and may even distract us from finding the right guy. Be the Kind of Girl the Guy of Your Dreams Would Want To Date We’ve established that having standards for the kind of guy you’ll date is one of the most important things a single girl can have, but what about having standards that we’re living up to? If we’re going to have standards for guys, then we can expect that any guy we’d want to date will also have standards — so now is the time to consider what we can do to be the kind of girl that the guy of our dreams would want to date. This means eating well, reading more than just pop fiction, actively pursuing a passion/career, exercising regularly and putting effort into our appearance, becoming more emotionally healthy and mature, and taking ownership of our life. Turn Your Loneliness into Drive There will be times, more than we’d like, that we’ll feel incredibly lonely. Maybe all of our friends will be in relationships, making us feel like the odd one out, always third-wheeling. We’ll be tempted to fill that loneliness by hopping on a dating app or going out with the first guy who asks, just to have something to do that night. But here’s the thing: Loneliness really isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s okay to be on our own , and instead of attempting to ease that for hours at a time in the form of last-minute dates and flirty messages, we can accept that loneliness is a part of life that we shouldn’t always run from. What we can do is use these lonelier times to write that book we've been dreaming of, look for a friend in a similar place, sign up for a cooking class, and learn to be okay all alone, turning it into a drive to fill our days with meaning rather than ruminating on what we wish would happen. Approach Dating with a Lighter Heart The majority of dates we go on will end up going nowhere, and that’s okay. We don’t need to put pressure on ourselves to fall in love with him, or get him to fall in love with us, just because we had a fun conversation over text and he seemed like a promising suitor. While it’s in our best interest to date with the intention of finding a guy we could see ourselves spending our life with rather than without any vision at all, we have to be prepared to date around for a little while and not take it personally when things don’t work out. Not every date will be magical, and not every guy will be a good match for us. Approach dating with a lighter heart, less pressure, and managed expectations. Closing Thoughts When we’re single, all we can think about is not being single. But take our word for it — you won’t be on your own forever. The right guy will come along, even if he takes much longer than you’d like. So use this time well, don’t date just to date, and don’t put pressure on yourself to fall in love right away. Love Evie? Let us know what you love and what else you want to see from us in the official Evie reader survey .