Ask Evie: How Do I Break Up With My High School Friend Group Now That My Values Have Changed?

READER’S QUESTION: "How do I break up with my friend group from high school now that I’m married and my values have changed immensely?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: It's common to outgrow friend groups as you get older and wiser or move into a different season of life. One question to ask yourself, though, is are you no longer interested in the activities your friends want to do, or is it the people themselves?

If it's the people themselves, there is a straightforward way you can break up with your high school friends: simply stop inviting them to spend time with you and stop accepting their invitations. You can answer invitations with just "no, thanks." If you want to give an explanation, you can, but remember, "no" is a full sentence. If you’re feeling the distance between you and your friends, they likely are too, and if you stop hanging out with them or engaging in group texts, they will get the point fairly quickly without a full-blown confrontation or friend breakup.  

Or, if you still like your friends but aren't interested in what they're interested in anymore, this is your opportunity to elevate the friendship. If they invite you to join them in an activity you don't want to do, you can say, "No, thanks, _______ is not really for me anymore. But if you all want to get together and do _______ (something you do like), then I'd be happy to join/host!" This will allow you to maintain a connection with your friends while steering the group's activities in a direction more aligned with your current values. For example, if they always invite you to go bar hopping on the weekends, but you don’t want to disrespect your husband or be put in an uncomfortable position with men hitting on you while out, you can turn down that invitation but offer to host a girls’ night in at your place instead with board games and a DIY wine tasting.

You might be surprised at how receptive your friends are to your ideas for different activities. If you’re all around the same age, they may be just as tired of going out or drinking or hookup culture as you were prior to getting married. Maybe they need a friend to help them break up with their bad habits and encourage them to begin new hobbies like going on a hike together on Saturday mornings or hitting up the local farmers market instead of boozing it up at an all-you-can-drink brunch. Not all of them are going to be ready to make those changes and that’s okay, but maybe one or two of the girls you are closest with will be ready to join you in growing your friendship and allowing it to evolve.

In the end, it really depends on the first question we asked: Is it the activities or the people themselves that you no longer enjoy? Once you determine that, you can decide how to move forward in a way that is best for you.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.