Why Is It So Hard To Get Over A Guy You Never Even Dated?

I was convinced he was the perfect guy for me. He was handsome and kind and never failed to make me laugh. We had similar values and interests, and my friends adored him. There was just one catch: He didn’t feel the same way and just wanted to be friends.

This has happened to me not once but twice over the past few years. I was proud of myself for finally being attracted to guys who didn’t treat me poorly (my bad boy phase lasted a little too long), but it was tough to get over both of them. I didn’t understand why it was so hard, because we never even dated.

The “What If” Factor Can Drive You Mad

If any Taylor Swift song could perfectly describe getting over someone you never officially dated, it’s “the 1” from Folklore. Lyrics like “but it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one” and “I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?” hit hard because they perfectly describe the “what if” factor of getting over someone you never dated.

Our imaginations work against us in this situation, especially when we ruminate on what could have been and hold onto an idealized version of our crush. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, writes, “When you date someone, you discover imperfections or reasons why you might be incompatible with them, which can make the breakup more bearable.”

When you’re mourning the loss of a relationship, you’re focused on what didn’t work, which is a luxury you don’t have while getting over someone you never dated. Romanoff continues, “On the other hand, when you haven’t dated someone, you tend to create an idealized version of the person in your mind, blurring the lines between who they are and who you want them to be. It can be hard to let go of this illusion of perfection.”

You May Have Developed a Strong Connection

If you had strong feelings for him, there’s a good chance that you developed a close connection. He could be a good friend or someone who helped you through a difficult time in your life, as those types of feelings don’t come from nowhere. Despite not dating, your feelings are still valid.

According to relationship expert Rachael Lloyd, getting over someone you never officially dated can be just as difficult as ending a romantic relationship. She writes, "All too often, we are presented with the narrative that ‘breakup blues’ are only valid if you’ve been with a partner for years, experienced significant milestones, or if the relationship ended badly. It’s not silly to be sad about something that hurt you, and dismissing these experiences could lead to you becoming more emotionally unavailable later down the line."

You're Losing Out on a Dream

Despite never being in a relationship with him, you’re still mourning the loss of the hope that you could have developed a relationship and grieving the loss of that possible future (marriage, kids, doing life together). You may even be mourning a change in your current connection. Give yourself some grace and the time and space to mourn.

How To Move On and Find Closure 

When you’re mourning the loss of someone you never dated, you miss out on the sense of closure you’d get from an official relationship ending. Yes, it’s still hard to achieve complete closure in a breakup, but there is no closure at all in this situation because there is no beginning or end, even it feels like there is to you. Luckily, you can create a sense of closure by moving on. 

Be Kind to Yourself

As I mentioned before, you’re still mourning a loss despite never being in a relationship with him. You may be mourning the prospect of a relationship rather than an actual relationship, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. You hoped for something, and it didn’t happen – it’s natural to be disappointed and sad. Don’t fall into the mindset that it's embarrassing to be upset or that your feelings aren't real because you never actually dated. Treat yourself to a self-care day and do some work on yourself (more on that below) before jumping back into the dating pool. 

Talk About It

I’ve been through this situation twice over the past few years, and the first time was more difficult because I was so embarrassed by my emotions that only my mom and best friend knew about it. It took me months to get up the courage to tell my therapist (which is silly because a therapist is supposed to be the least judgmental person), friends, and other family members that I was struggling, but that’s when I was finally able to get over him. I took the approach of being more open the second time around, which made the whole process easier (and quicker) because I refused to let myself be embarrassed by my emotions. Take the time to let your loved ones know what you’re feeling or speak about it with a therapist, because the only way out is through, and you can’t get through it without talking about it.

Make a List for Your Next Relationship

Whether he was a good guy or a bad guy (or somewhere in between), there’s a good chance that you’ve learned about something that you want (or don’t want) from a relationship through this experience. One of the most healing aspects in both of my experiences was that I saw how I was growing in attracting good and masculine men, as well as learning what I want and need from a romantic relationship. Making a list of positive aspects of each guy and what I had learned made it feel more like a learning experience than rejection. 

Get Creative

Tapping into your creative side will not only provide a healthy distraction but can help you find a new hobby while improving your mental health. If you want to make it a social event, take a painting class with friends. If you want some me time, learn to crochet or knit. Journaling your thoughts or writing poetry is another good route to process your emotions.

Don’t Give Up on Love

Rejection stings, and it can be easy to let it bring you down, but it’s important not to give up on love. It may take some time to heal and get back out there, but you shouldn’t give in to despair. Try to view the rejection as just another step in the journey to finding the man you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. It’s all about having a positive mindset and learning from this experience.

Closing Thoughts

Getting over someone you’ve never dated can be difficult because of the “what if” factor and the lack of closure. Luckily, it’s not wasted time and emotion if you reframe it as a learning experience. There are brighter days ahead!

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