What No One Tells You About Being The Only Mom In Your Friend Group

Any experienced mom will tell you that motherhood can be painfully isolating, but we never really talk about why. Now that I’ve experienced it myself, I’m shocked at how we educate new parents to death on diapers and sleeping and wake window routines, but not on how their social and personal lives will change and never be the same again. Maybe that’s because no matter how much we educate them, they won’t fully grasp it until they experience it for themselves.

Every parent-to-be “knows” that they won’t have the same social life they used to, but the reality goes far beyond that. What we don’t tell new moms specifically is that being the only mom in your friend group can be kind of heartbreaking.

Motherhood Is Isolating

The sensation of being alone for the first time after having a baby is a strange one, to say the least. When I delivered my daughter last year, I was in the hospital for three days, routinely poked and prodded by nurses, with my husband close by. I was never alone. After we came home and my husband took his one day of paternity leave and then returned to work, I was alone for the first time in weeks – only I wasn’t. I had a newborn, and I was responsible for not only her schedule, but her entire well-being. It was paralyzing.

I was alone, but I wasn’t. Sweet family members and friends dropped by to see the baby and check up on me, only I was so exhausted that I couldn’t really enjoy their company. I wasn’t thinking about asking for friend group updates, or how their vacations went. I was recovering, physically and mentally, and constantly timing when the baby had last eaten or slept.

One of the hardest parts of motherhood is the feeling that you’re losing yourself because of someone else and having absolutely no control over it. You feel bad for almost resenting your child, and you can’t because you love them so much it hurts. But all you want is to feel like your own person with an identity outside of your baby. You feel like you’ve lost yourself and who you are, and you grieve the possibility of never getting that back. You want to be normal and do your normal, routine things. But you can’t.

A survey of over 2,000 moms concluded that 90% of them felt lonely and 54% felt “friendless” after having their children. 38% of the surveyed moms also said they didn’t tell their partners about their feelings, probably for fear of being misunderstood or not really heard. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but in many instances, that’s a village of one. If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you’re with your children all day, every day, and if you’re a working mom, you might have trouble bonding over parenthood with co-workers in the workplace. On top of this, postpartum depression and anxiety are taking their toll on 1 in 7 women.

It’s Okay To Feel Alone

I’ve known the women in my local friend group going back years, in some cases decades, and they’re all single or casually dating and don’t have kids. Some of them I grew up with, and a few were bridesmaids in my wedding. Gradually, I’ve noticed that we interact less and less. This is not intentional and not really by design – but because of social media, I know that I’m not invited to their get-togethers anymore. We text from time to time or run into each other in person, but it’s not the same. How could it be?

As someone who takes everything personally, this is what hurts the most – on top of feeling like you’re losing yourself, no one seems to care about maintaining a relationship with you as a mom, even when you’ve made an effort on your part. I theorize that a large part of not being invited out to bars or clubs or drinks on weeknights is probably due to my daughter’s schedule. But even if it’s an invitation that I can’t accept, it’s always nice to be asked.

Losing friends as you age and especially when you become a parent is completely normal and natural. Looking at the situation, I have to acknowledge that we’re at different stages in life. Even if they’re trying to be polite, they probably have no vested interest in my daughter learning to walk or her cute quirks and habits. I can’t take an entire weekend off for a bachelorette trip to an exotic (i.e., expensive) locale, and since I’m up early – because my daughter is up early – I don’t stay out late. Without even realizing it or really wanting to, I’ve become the wet blanket of the group. 

It hurts at certain times more acutely than others, but it’s okay to feel alone, and it does get better. New people come into your life, and the ones who want to make an effort are the ones who stay. Every mom forms their new identity eventually, but it takes time, and it’s not going to be the same as it used to be. 

Becoming a Mom Is Relearning Everything

Do you remember being in grade school and asking to sit at a lunch table full of strangers? Being a mom and finding your own crowd is basically like that, times one thousand. You’re caught between a rock and a hard place. You have little to nothing in common with your old friends anymore, but the mom groups you seek out aren’t necessarily full of people who share your values and outlook on things, or who would even approve of your choices, if it came down to it. Online and in-person mom groups – which is usually the go-to suggestion for making friends as a mom yourself – can be great, and not-so-great. What matters is making an effort. 

Becoming a mom is relearning everything, like your schedule, your physical limitations, your attitude on certain things, your perspectives. Your old friends may or may not stick around for that, and that’s okay. One day they might be where you are, and they might circle back into your life. By then, you might have made new friends who are parents themselves. Time is a precious thing as a parent, but we don’t have any less of it – we just choose to spend it differently.

It’s also key to be honest with your spouse about what you’re feeling. They may not experience the change in social situation as sharply as you do, but they’re still your co-pilot and your teammate. What affects you should interest them, even if it doesn’t affect them directly. 

If you're friends with a new mom, don’t stop inviting them to things. They may not always be able to make it, and they might say no more often than they say yes, but simply making the effort of extending an invitation or making time for them means a lot. You don’t have to understand everything about being a parent to be friends with one. I’ve also found that even when I was self-conscious about being the first to marry and have kids in my friend group – knowing it would change my friendships – I also had friends who were feeling pressure themselves about getting married or having kids on a certain timeline. In either position, you’re both going through something profound.

Closing Thoughts

Many people are under the misapprehension that they have to understand or approve of your life choices as a wife and a mom to be friends with you. If that’s their honest perspective, you’re likely better off without them, as painful as it is to lose a friendship.

If you’re the only mom in your friend group and you feel your friends slipping away, know that you’re not the only one. Losing friends for any reason is a grieving process. Knowing that you have more friendship to give and that you deserve to be genuinely cared for by the people you spend time with is the most helpful and affirming first step you can take on the new journey into motherhood.

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