Ask Evie: I'm An Introvert But My Boyfriend's Family Is Extroverted. How Can I Fit In Better?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I’m an introvert, and I’ve been seeing my more extroverted boyfriend for over a year, and we have plans to get married/engaged this year. His family are all extremely loud and outgoing, and I find I sometimes have trouble fitting in or feel like I need to be more bubbly, which doesn’t come naturally to me. I am more quiet and reserved and can come off as cold or judgmental. How can I get along better with his family without feeling like I have to change who I am? 

Sincerely, A Struggling Introvert"

EVIE’S ADVICE: It takes time (sometimes years) to get to know a new family’s culture and dynamic, and to adjust your way of interacting and communicating in a way that works for you and the family. So give yourself some time and grace to learn how to interact with your future in-laws better.

Thankfully, there are practical ways to come across as warmer and more engaged that you can implement now. The next time you greet his family, make sure you immediately give everyone a big warm smile and hugs (if they’re the hugging type) and use their name: “Hi Sherry, it’s so good to see you!” Hug. 

During family get-togethers, it can be super tempting to scroll on your phone or pretend you’re doing something important to avoid conversations or ease the awkwardness you may feel, but that’s the worst thing you could do when you’re around his family. Make sure you put your phone completely away (even if other people, including your boyfriend, are on their phones). You can even leave it in the car if you feel like the temptation will be too strong in the moment. Giving them your undivided attention shows you really value your time together and that nothing is more important in that moment than wanting to create a connection with them. It’s also extremely rare these days, so people tend to appreciate it even more.

Focus on asking questions that draw out the extroverted person, so you don’t have to talk as much while giving the impression of being engaged.

Practice being an active listener. When you’re in conversation, give each person direct eye contact and smile, and make noises or comments (or even nod occasionally) that indicate you’re listening, like oh, wow, uh-huh. You can also focus on asking questions that draw out the extroverted person, so you don’t have to talk as much while giving the impression of being engaged and interested in who this person is. When you see them at the next gathering or when they call your boyfriend and you’re together, make sure to ask them about that thing they were talking about when you were together last to show you were truly listening. For example, maybe his sister was talking about her upcoming interview with a company she was really excited about. Ask her how that interview went when you see her next. You can also use each individual’s name in conversation. People love hearing the sound of their name, and it comes across as more friendly and intimate. Extroverts love having a happy listener, so you can fill that role. By applying the tips above, you will come off as a warm, engaged, and friendly listener.

You should also communicate to your boyfriend how you’re feeling so he can bring you into conversations more or help you feel more comfortable in group settings. Maybe he can brief you for 15 minutes on the way over to his family’s house and fill you in on everything going on in his siblings and parents’ lives so you have something to ask them or discuss. It may also be helpful for him to let his siblings or parents know privately that you tend to be more on the shy and introverted side and that you really like them so you feel less judged and more understood and so they can do their best to make you feel like part of the family. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.