7 Tips To Affair-Proof Your Marriage

If you were to ask any married woman what one of the worst things she could imagine happening in her marriage would be, she would probably say something along the lines of “Being cheated on.” And it makes sense why – an affair is enough to break what once seemed like a strong marriage. The spouse who got cheated on is left heartbroken, embarrassed, and betrayed. The spouse who cheated is left guilt-ridden, filled with regret, and ashamed of their actions (hopefully). The marriage is left with far less trust than before, with deep pain, with greater distance. So it’s really no surprise that infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. You don’t have to have gone through an affair to imagine how horrendous it can be to wade through those waters. And yet, the unfortunate reality is that cheating isn’t all that uncommon. It’s difficult to get exact rates of cheating across the board, but the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reported that around 20-25% of married men will be unfaithful, while Sexual Health Australia suggests those numbers are closer to 60% for men and 45% for women . But the point here is that the rates of cheating aren’t zero. There’s a good chance that those figures made you worry about your own marriage. Even if the truth is closer to only a quarter of married men being cheaters, those odds are large enough not to feel total peace. “What if we become one of those statistics? What if the chances are higher than I thought? What if he ends up having an affair?” you think to yourself. Well, what if we told you there are ways to make the likelihood that this will come to pass far, far lower? It’s definitely true you can’t control your husband’s actions or force him to be faithful – ultimately, having an affair is a choice that someone makes . (And if you’ve been cheated on, this isn’t at all to say that it was your fault or that if you had done the right dance steps, you could’ve kept it from happening. Some people, unfortunately, have a penchant for unfaithfulness , no matter how wonderful their spouse is.) At the same time, there are a few ways that you can actively work to protect your marriage from suffering such a blow, which should offer you at least some kind of comfort and empowerment. Read on to find out what they are. Seek To Give More Than You Receive We’re born very selfish beings, concerned with what we need and want, and generally indifferent to the desires of others – yes, even the most thoughtful of us will inherently be more in tune with our own needs. But it’s a mistake to take this natural disposition of ours into marriage. When we say “I do,” we’re agreeing to care for this person more than we’ve ever cared for someone else, including ourselves. We’re promising to consider and concern ourselves with their needs and pledging to fulfill them to the best of our abilities. This means that rather than seeking to receive, our main concern is to give. However, this doesn’t mean you should attempt to rid yourself of your own needs – you’ll never not have your own wants and needs. (And it’s your husband’s job to pay attention to them, of course.) But by choosing to focus on what he needs from you , you’re identifying yourself as a person he can count on and trust to have his best interest in mind. And when you assume that role, he’ll naturally see you as a person who gives him what he needs most. Not to mention, by thinking more about giving than receiving, your husband is more likely to return the favor. Discern what your husband needs most. He might be someone who needs to hear consistent words of affirmation, or feels most loved through the “little things” that you do for him every day, or finds physical affection to be most fulfilling. Then, resolve to be the place where he finds those things. Keep Pursuing Him When we first start dating, everything is brand new – the way his nose crinkles when he laughs, the way he says your name like it’s poetry, the way he takes your hand in a dimly lit movie theatre. And because it’s all new, it’s deeply exciting. Everything is happening for the first time. Then, you get used to each other – especially after you get married and spend most days together. After waking up next to him for the umpteenth time, it begins to lose some of its novelty. Instead of marveling at how cute he is when he sleeps, all you notice is how you woke up without any covers because he stole all of them… again . The familiarity that comes with marriage is beautiful when it doesn’t sacrifice the romance between you two. It’s normal to get used to each other, but this doesn’t mean that you should ever stop pursuing each other . Think about it – in the beginning of the relationship, all you could think about was this person, mostly because you were both actively pursuing the other. You were flirting, thinking of fun dates, and dressing up. You were putting your best foot forward. The familiarity that comes with marriage is beautiful when it doesn’t sacrifice the romance between you two. But when it does, that familiarity becomes stale. Keep on pursuing your husband. It might look different than it did in the first month of dating, but there’s always room for new excitement, freshness, and romance. Remember That You Affect Him It’s true that life isn’t always fun. There will be seasons in which we feel depressed, overworked, bored, or hopeless. We won’t always be bursting with joy or find many reasons to laugh. This is okay, but we should also keep in mind that our husband will be affected by our emotional state. If you consistently find yourself in depressive modes or are easily upset by small things , this will affect your husband and his desire to be around you. He’ll begin to feel better when you’re not around, which is certainly the opposite of what should be. Even during seasons that are difficult or fraught with challenges, it’s important to remember that every interaction with him is crafting a narrative in his mind, and to choose to be a positive presence in his life. This doesn’t mean denying reality or hiding your feelings from him. It means taking ownership of your ability to govern your emotions and having an attitude of “But I’ll be okay; we’ll be okay,” even in tough circumstances – which will actually make him feel lucky to have such a strong woman as his wife. Be the Person He Looks To for Support and Validation Much of marriage is made up of the everyday – the normal rhythms that we can count on coming around with each new day and week. But there are also times when one spouse deserves praise or needs a cheerleader or should be celebrated for their achievement. Being your husband’s biggest supporter will make it so that he feels valued and validated by you. It’s imperative that you know how to be your husband’s biggest and loudest supporter . Whether he got a promotion or has a new idea or has been given an enormous opportunity, be the person that he wants to tell his good news to first. Claiming this role in his life will make it so that he feels valued and validated by you – two things that husbands yearn for from their wives . Have Frequent “Just Us” Time How many of us have found ourselves getting caught up in the day-to-day, in the boring details? It’s easy to focus on everything that needs to be done – from paying the bills on time to getting the laundry done to making sure the kids' lunches get made – and just getting to the “finish line” of the day before collapsing into bed…only to do it all over again tomorrow. Too often, one of the first things on the chopping block when life gets busy is quality time with your husband. Remember those nights when you would talk for hours before you fell asleep? Those mornings when you could share a cup of coffee, unhurried? Those evenings spent sharing a leisurely dinner? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s natural to have less time as kids and work and bills enter the picture more and more. But allowing “just us” time to fall by the wayside will result in a marriage that slowly but surely falls apart. It won’t be as apparent, because no big blowout led to the distance between you two, but it’s just as threatening to the foundation of your marriage. With this in mind, prioritize spending undistracted alone time with your husband. Implement frequent date nights (weekly, if possible). Spend time before turning the lights out catching up and checking in, even if it means getting to sleep just a little bit later. Invest your time and energy into keeping your connection alive and well. Find a New Common Interest Couples that find creative, fun, new ways to spend time together, stay together. We’re all for a classic dinner and movie date night (because they never get old). But there’s also something to be said for making the effort to find other things to do with your time together. A new common interest takes you both out of the monotonous context of the everyday and into a brand new, energizing context. One of the simplest ways to feel connected is by finding a new common interest. It takes you both out of the monotonous context of the everyday and into a brand new, energizing context. Take up hiking, sign up for dance classes, or try cooking an elaborate meal together on the weekends. This doesn’t just create more “us” time, but it also helps you associate adventure with spending time together and keeps each other’s presence from feeling stale and predictable. Look Nice for Him We all remember those first months, even years, of the relationship. We spent extra time getting our makeup right and picking out the right outfit. Eventually, as we become more secure in the relationship, we start to relax a little bit. We think less about what we’ll wear. We decide to forgo the blowout. And when we get married, it’s easy to forget all about those days when we would pour all of our energy into looking our best. As it turns out, though, men are naturally drawn to women who put effort into their appearance – and the same goes for us as women, by the way. We’re not vouching for pulling a Mrs. Maisel and not even letting your husband see you without makeup, but it’s a good idea to continue to put effort into your physical appearance , just as you’d want your husband to. This can be as simple as swapping the old t-shirt and sweatpants combo for a set of silky loungewear, or swiping on some mascara and tinted lip balm for an everyday look, or keeping up with a regular workout routine. Essentially, the goal is to remind your husband of the beautiful woman that he calls his wife. He’ll appreciate the effort you put into looking nice for him, and there’s a good chance he’ll continue to do the same for you. While we don’t have total control over our husband’s actions and choices, there are still ways that we can actively deepen and strengthen our marriage, to the point where, no matter the stats on cheating, an affair isn’t something we truly worry about in our own marriage.